Anymore

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Minute by minute she started losing him. The one, she loved so unconditionally. The one, who was into her bloodstream. The one, to whom she belonged to.

The pain in her heart was so immense that she couldn’t feel it anymore. If only she could hate him. If only she could forget his face forever. If only she could forget him smiling. If only she could forget his eyes looking at her.

Slowly and slowly he was setting her free from himself. But she didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay. She tried the best she could. But she couldn’t stop him.

She cried and begged in front of God. But god seemed to remain busy in the immense sufferings of world, already.

The one, for whom she could have given her life for, was indifferent to her now. He ignored her pain. He was moving on. He was happy to get rid of her finally. And she saw him doing that.

So she decided that there was no point in stopping him. She realised that she was making a mistake, by trying to hold on to him. So she let go of him finally.

Him, the ghost of the past. The ghost of the memories of man she loved. He is out of her heart now. He moved out for never coming back again. And now no matter how truly she loved it, no matter how madly she needed it, no matter how badly she wants him to, he doesn’t haunt her anymore.

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Him

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He is not about roses and lilies. But he has his own ways to tell me that he loves me. Do I realize that? Yes I do.

But I’m not into subtle love like him. I tell it out loud. I tell him again and again. I love saying that I love him. But he has his amusing ways to tell me that he loves me too. Though I rarely listen him saying this vocally, but the sparkles in his voice let me know that what I just said was all he wanted to hear.

But then we fight. Fight over stupid things. And when we are almost at verge of letting everything burn, we look in the eyes while fighting and we laugh simultaneously.

We never made a perfect love story. We never were the perfect lovers. We fought, we blamed, we shouted and cried.

But whenever we left, we came back again. For that, we never found peace somewhere else. The thing our embrace carried. That indefinable solace I found in his arms. So brittle yet so enchanting. I always wondered if a relationship can be so fragile and yet so beautiful.

The more I hate him, the more strongly I fall in love with him. The more I drift apart, the more I come closer.

It’s hard to leave him. It’s hard to move forward while he stays. It’s hard to look behind and watch his sad eyes looking at me. So I go back running, to hug him. Teary eyed, I plant innumerable kisses on his handsome face. And I promise that I will never leave again. And then he smiles. The happiness that floods his face, is my solace.

He never was that perfect guy I used to dream of. So many flaws, so many mistakes. But when I look at it closely, I wasn’t perfect either. I have as many flaws as he do. I’ve made as many mistakes as he had.

Yet he is the one, who madly loves me. Despite of knowing me, my fears, my faults. And I fell in love with the man I never thought I would ever fall in love with.

So may be I will quote Rita Rudner with a bit of modification.

“Before I met him, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.”

Story Of The Eternal Fidelity : Part 5

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She was stunned because of his sudden confession of love for her. And she wasn’t able to decide what she should feel. Though him confessing, felt like a long awaited rain just came over a barren land, still she was devastated. She wanted to tell him that she loved him. She wanted to tell him that she missed him the way he missed her. She wanted to tell him that she wanted nothing in her life but to be with him.

But was it morally right for her to say all that to him. May be it wasn’t. But she still wanted to tell him the truth.

Say something. Amol said worryingly.

I am unable to find right words. She replied.

Say whatever you’re thinking. Amol said.

Her heart was wildly hammering her rib cage, when she began. But she ignored it, and said.

I’ve loved you since the day you came to my dissection hall table, and tried to impress me. I’ve loved you when we were sitting across the fire after the final viva of pathology. I’ve loved you when you were dancing with Aditi in annual fest. I’ve loved you when you started dating her. I’ve loved you when you broke up with her. I’ve loved you when I was teaching you normal labour just before final viva. I’ve loved you even when I thought that you never felt the same for me. I’ve loved you when I left because I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve loved you all along. I’ve loved you since the day I met you. But it all doesn’t matter anymore.

Why? His heart sank. He knew the answer probably.

I’m getting engaged next week. And next month is my marriage. She replied.

An arranged marriage? He said.

No it’s not. We know each other from 4 years. One day he asked my parents if he could marry me. And they asked me. They liked him and wanted me to marry him. So I accepted. She said.

So it’s an arranged marriage. He said.

No. It’s not. She replied. Angrily.

You don’t love him. And you’re marrying him. He said trying to hide his anger and his devastated soul.

I care about him. I like him. He makes me laugh. He is intelligent. He likes the same movies as I do. He likes the same books as I do. His idea of hanging out is same as mine. I like spending time with him. She said it all in one breath.

But you don’t love him. Do you? He asked her, hoping to hear what he wanted to hear.

She was angry on herself. She was defending the guy she was going to marry, in front of the guy she loved. She was somehow trying to make statement that she was doing the right thing, the perfect thing.

No. I don’t. I don’t love him. She replied. And suddenly she got up, and left his room.

Memory

I’ve memorized all the fish in the sea
I’ve memorized each opportunity strangled
and

I remember awakening one morning
and finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love
and I’ve memorized that too.

I’ve memorized green rooms in
St. Louis and New Orleans
where I wept because I knew that by myself I could not overcome
the terror of them and it.

I’ve memorized all the unfaithful years
(and the faithful ones too)
I’ve memorized each cigarette that I’ve rolled.
I’ve memorized Beethoven and New York City

I’ve memorized
riding up escalators, I’ve memorized
Chicago and cottage cheese, and the mouths of some of the ladies
and the legs of some of the ladies
I’ve known
and the way the rain came down hard.

I’ve memorized the face of my father in his coffin,
I’ve memorized all the cars I have driven
and each of their sad deaths,
I’ve memorized each jail cell,
the face of each new president
and the faces of some of the assassins;

I’ve even memorized the arguments I’ve had with
some of the women I’ve loved.

best of all
I’ve memorized tonight and now
and the way the
light falls across my fingers,
specks and smears on the wall,
shades down behind orange curtains;
I light a rolled cigarette
and then laugh a little,

yes, I’ve memorized it all.
the courage of my memory.

– Charles Bukowski

Renaissance

Loving him is madness,
Her mind told her.
He will never love her back,
Her mind told her.
She will suffer from the pain of the broken heart,
Her mind told her.

But;

When she looked at him,
She knew nothing but him.

Loving him was madness.
But when she saw him smiling,
She never regretted being mad for him.

He was never going to love her back.
But the way his intense eyes looked at her,
Every second of it was worth more than love of the hundred years.

Seeing him with someone else was
Going to give her pain.
But then all her life,
People came and tormented her.
May be it was her turn,
Her turn to give pain to herself.
She wanted this pain to be mighty. Mighty enough to forget,
All the pain and betrayal
She had received all her life.

So she loved him.
She loved him the way she had never loved anyone.

So she loved him.
She loved him the way no one could ever love him.

For that,
It was her way to find herself.
For that,
It was her way to find her renaissance.

– Anamika

Story Of The Eternal Fidelity: Part 4

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He felt like holding her into his arms, and kissing her with all the passion his soul had for her. But he couldn’t touch her. A promise was a promise. He couldn’t touch her until she wanted him to. So he leaned in closer to her. Close enough to raise her nerves, and distant enough to maintain his promise.

Anvita.. he said without taking his eyes off her beautiful face.

Hmm? She replied without looking at him.

Look at me. He demanded.

So she followed the order and looked at him.

Her dark eyes were the most beautiful thing in the world for him.

With growing palpitations in his chest he said, I want to tell you something.

What? Tell me. She replied

He was out of any fancy words. Or any fancy poems. He loved her. And telling her that was the hardest thing to do. I’m gonna tell her the truth he thought.

Anvita I love you. I loved you all along. I couldn’t say it back then. But I think I’ve waited long enough to tell you that.

I’ve waited long enough to tell you that, every night when I go to bed, I think of you. Every morning when I wake up, I think of you. Not even a day passes when I don’t take your name. I remain busy in my life. But you’re there. Back in my head. Your thought never leaves me.

I kept on thinking that it will go someday. But I couldn’t forget you. I couldn’t love any other girl. I could love no one after I loved you. I can love no one. No matter how hard I try.

Be with me Anvita. Make me the happiest guy in this world.

I’ve loved you the way no one has ever loved you. I’m gonna love you the way no one will ever love you. He said, anxiously waiting for what she was going to say.

Story of The Eternal Fidelity: Part 3

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Don’t make me look at you amol. She said still looking at his beer glass.

Why? Are you hiding something? He asked.

No. I’m not. She replied.

Then look at me. He demanded.

And then she looked at him. His intense eyes were fixed on her face. She loved him. She always had. But she was afraid to let him to know that. She had her reasons. But now it was late.

I love it when you look at me. And I love it when you take your eyes off me after losing to me. He told her.

She blushed. And the adrenaline kicked in again.

He knows. She thought.

Let’s go back to hotel. It’s late. She said.

No its not. It’s just an hour since we arrived. He retorted.

I don’t feel like sitting here. I want to go back to my hotel room. She said.

OK. As you say. But I want to talk. Can we talk in hotel room. He asked her.

I don’t think that will be appropriate. She replied.

Don’t worry. I am not gonna touch you without your permission. If that’s what worries you. He declared.

No. I didn’t mean that. She lied. She was exactly meaning that. She wasn’t going to slip into charms of amol. She was determined to let that love remain buried inside her. And that’s why she was leaving early. To escape him.

So? We talk here or the hotel? He asked.

I think we should leave. It’s very late. And I’ve a plane to catch by tomorrow evening. She replied.

Plane to catch? Are you going back tomorrow? He asked bewildered.

Yeah. I won’t attend the grand gala tomorrow. I’ll leave as soon as this conference ends. When will you leave? She asked.

I’ll leave day after tomorrow. He replied.

Can’t we talk today. You didn’t even stay here for 2 hours. We will order something to eat at hotel room. He pleaded her.

OK. We will talk at your room. Let’s go back. She said.

And after few minutes, they were back at their hotel, in his room. They ordered some more drinks and food. And then they started chatting about their medical college time. All the friends. The classes. The teachers. The mass bunks. The proxies. The dissection hall cadaver, and the endless chatting. The horrifying vivas and slaying of students by the external examiners. The annual festival of college, and the making and breaking of pairs in those 4 days. The celebrations outside boys hostel, when India won the 1983 cricket world cup. And then dance of about 500 guys outside girls hostel. And the girls joining in for the dance. And the eventual inclusion of teachers into the party.

Look at us. We both are crying because of laughter. She said. Wiping the tears of happiness.

Yes, we are. He replied looking at her.

He was drunk. Drunk not only because of beer they were drinking. He was drunk in her love all these years. He was drunk because of her presence. He was drunk with the fragrance of her. And today he was going to tell her that. He had waited for a decade, he wasn’t going to wait any longer.

Story Of The Eternal Fidelity: Part 2

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They were meeting after a decade. But that spark was alive. The spark which was ready to burst into blazing flames if it was allowed to do so.

He forwarded his hand to say hello. And she took it to reply him back with similar courtesy.

It felt strange to him. Touching her. She felt soft and warm, the way he has always imagined her to be. He has never touched her before, despite of being in same college, and same year. She was his friend, but the distance was there. Somehow it was there.

I never imagined that I’ll meet you here in a foreign land. She said smiling

Yeah. Because you’re very good at hiding anvita. At least back in our country. He replied.

Want to grab some drinks? He asked.

Yeah sure. She said smiling.

OK. Let’s find a quiter place than here. A place where we can talk. He said while looking in her eyes.

His eyes affect her. They always did. Why he has to look at her that way. She thought.

What are you thinking? If you want to stay here then it’s not the problem. He assured her.

No. It’s OK. Let’s go somewhere else. It’s too crowded here. She replied.

And then he smiled looking at her.

His eyes. God his eyes. These are most beautiful thing in this world. She thought.

He always intimidated her. The way he looked at her. She was never sure what it meant. Did he find her attractive or she was over thinking.

Soon they were at a place they both liked. Quiter and more private.

While drinking beer, they talked about the reason of their visit. The conference they both were attending. The academic topics.

After an hour he asked,

You like my shirt?

What? Yeah I do. But why you asked? She said surprised.

You aren’t looking at me? You’re talking to my shirt all this time. I’ll make sure that I wear this shirt when I meet you again. He said teasingly.

She laughed and looked at him for the longest time. His eyes, his smile, his hair, his voice.

She was afraid to fall in love with him again. She had buried her love for him. It was deep within her soul. And she didn’t want it to come out again.

So how are you? How’s life? She asked him. Finding it the safest topic to start with.

Let’s not talk about life. Let’s talk about just you and me. Or may be just college. He said.

You look beautiful in sari. He continued.

Thank you. She replied while looking at his beer glass.

Look at me anvita. He demanded.

I am trying to. But why do you want that anyway. She said with her heart racing again. Despite of having alcohol inside her blood, she was unable to let go of her inhibitions.

I want to see your eyes. They will tell me what you won’t. He replied.

In The End

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After having an accident, she sustained head injury. Doctors gave her medicines for her post traumatic migraine headaches.

She wasn’t able to properly open her eyes, when she missed her medicine that day. With severe throbbing headache she went out to buy her painkiller. She knew which road she had to go that day. The road she always avoided. The road to right.

It’s where he will be.

Forgetting him wasn’t her target anymore. She couldn’t. But she was ready to move on. She would never feel the love, she was afraid. Afraid of not being able to fall in love again.

So she was doing her best to keep the promises she made to herself. She didn’t open his Facebook from months. The habit she had of writing his name on her palm. She wasn’t doing that anymore. She was proud of herself. Despite of being in love with him, she was moving on with her life.

But that doesn’t mean that she didn’t crave for him. She certainly did. And that’s why she avoided taking road to right. The last thing she wanted was to break her sobriety. She was clean of him now. But she still missed him. Facing him was the last thing she wanted to do.

After paying the bills, she turned around to go back as soon as possible. But then she saw him. He was few meter away from her. She wanted to hide but she was unable to move an inch.

The adrenaline surge was taking over her body. What she feared all these months happened at last. Why someone above in the sky was so adamant to stop her from moving on. Every time she tried harder to move on she dreamed of him, or someone took his name, or she saw books with his name on it. And now seeing him was like the last nail in the coffin. She knew instantaneously that she was going to lose the progress she had made till then.

She wanted to hide away without him noticing her. But there was no escape. He had seen her. Or may be he hadn’t. She wasn’t sure. It seemed like he was running away from her after seeing her. But she wasn’t chasing him at all. So why he had to run away. May be he wanted to hide as well.

Seeing him walking away felt the same again. Same as it felt years ago.

Her head seared with pain again. It was the worst headache of her life. Everything was going to get black soon. She knew. But she remained there. Watching him go. Within seconds he disappeared. Or may be her eyes weren’t helping her at all.

Everything else was blur then. After few hours when she woke up in her bed, she couldn’t remember when she came back and slept. Her headache was gone. But it felt strange. Stranger than she could comprehend.

Second running away act of him, kind of killed what remained inside her. He killed it through and through.

Soaring with emotions she couldn’t explain, she wanted to forget him now. Forget him forever. Like he never existed. She felt like erasing him from her thoughts, purging him from her memories.

But she was unsure if she would ever be able to do that. Was it possible to forget him just like that.

She will try, she promised herself.

“If you’ve ever stood in a shower for hours, on end you’ll know, unfortunate as it is, some things, especially human beings, cannot easily be washed away.”
– Beau Taplin